Self First Is When

poem

Brave is when your boyfriend informs you he wants to separate. You make $18.00 an hour and are raising his children, with one on the way. 

Courage is when you pull back all, move into his house, turn over your money to him, try various careers that did not work out and surrender your Pruis because he wished to purchase a brand new mini van. 

Stepping into power is when you must travel forward with nothing. You must locate a dependable vehicle, rent a house in a safe neighborhood, buy beds and things. Then save money for maternity leave so you can still feed your children and pay your bills. This is all accomplished on a budget that leaves you meager between paychecks. 

Humbling is when you understand you did this to yourself, solely to discover that you love yourself more today than ever before.

Drop the Story to Feel

Ponderings

Sometimes I wonder how I am going to make it through the day. I awake from a disturbing dream, one from the depths of lovelessness and I am afraid, feeling distorted and alone. What do I do with this energy? I ask for guidance, tap into Mia’s and Judy’s recordings to help clear. Despite that, the negative feelings continue. I also breathe deep as Dr Sue Morter shows to clear, claim emotions and become the master of self, but how do I step into the negative when I want no part of the negative story? 

If I were to give this loveless place a voice, what would the lovelessness say to me? “I need you, I love you, accept me to be the love that I am.” Because of my rejection, a part of my body has become very contracted, emanating an energy of hate, loneliness, fear, abandonment, depression, negative self image, victimization and judgment. What would that look like to open into loveless territory and be brave to embrace something that feels unembraceable? Maybe to lighten the load, I could open up the moon roof to the sun, plant some grass, nurture the green with some water where flowers bloom. This story I can handle. 

I understand that lovelessness is a teacher to love deeply. But I am afraid to love deeply when I have to step into the loveless story to activate love awake. The story seems to disperse my energy into a bubble of fear. But if I drop the story, then maybe my energy can come together where fear becomes the power, the concentrated breath of focus. I suppose dropping the story is like taking control of the mind, the drama and allowing the body to feel, emanate into a healing embrace. Maybe from this practice, we all could become the master of shadowy emotions, claiming all that love offers.

It’s Not Justice I Want, It’s Love

Ponderings

Many of us are experiencing deep shadows purging from our bodies. I have collected a magnitude of negatives that have stuck to me only to regurgitate them from my stomach, throat, and hips in reclamation to what is innocent. I wonder, could humanity do this as well, reclaim innocence through shadow work? With that being said, it’s not justice I want, it’s love. 

The shadows are like unloved items stacked outside of the house, ready for trash pickup or an abandoned car left by the curb because the harsh voice made it sound unworthy. I am healing shadows of brutality from the past in a triad of taking from my innocence. They reject me; I reject you and I reject myself. Yet, I have no desire for the ego to fight for its territory. All I want to do is return to my true essence by loving all three. 

My shadow work also has me contemplating humanity’s past trauma, shadowed forever in dissonance, which can only create more shadows. Yet, what gets overlooked is that we have hidden consonance with each other. As much as we push each other away, we may be more alike in our separation. Maybe it is resonating with the consonance that the root of shadow is the experiences of loveless energy. When we can acknowledge that loveless energy has strongly affected everyone’s innocence, we can let down our guard to receive our innocent expression instead of categorizing experiences to pull us apart. Maybe it is at the root of our shadows that we can heal deeply with compassion instead of judging each other into the shadows. 

The undervalued items outside of the house just want to belong. A neglected neighborhood just wants to be nurtured and loved. The soil of the Earth needs tender loving care to grow nutritional food for us all. So, instead of running from our shadows and claiming justice served. We need to love into and embrace our shadows, embrace each other’s shadows, and embrace humanity’s shadows. Maybe by facing our shadows together, claiming we will push no more into shadowing our existence, we can clean up our mess and co-create an innocent, loving community of support. 

A Moment

poem

I whispered into his open mouth, but the words turned before they arrived at his tongue and there I remained as if I spoke nothing at all. 

So my naked shoulders tilted back as my arms turned my hands in proposals, seeking to communicate with his stubbly neck, and then the tweed jacket which fit him perfectly, but did not fit so exquisitely anywhere else. 

Gently my eyes flew upwards, noticing his deep brown were dancing with my breath and then my hair for the violin occupied his ears.

To Be a Tree

poem

I was placed in the center of all things and from there my roots grew long and wide into the earth. As my roots grew, so too did my branches grow up long and wide, into the sky. There the sun blessed every moment as the soil blessed every moment and so I stood learning how to be a tree. 

Learning how to be a tree did not come with instructions that one would read from a newspaper, a magazine, or a book. Learning how to be a tree came from the sun who taught me to grow, and the soil who taught me how to nourish myself. The wind taught me how to ebb and flow with life and the fungus upon my roots taught me how to communicate with the mothers of the forest. 

To be a tree, I had to allow life to organize just as I needed to be, co-creating, adapting with a system that sustains many possibilities.

Divinity Sustains With Divinity

poem

There is nothing outside of the Earth that the Earth needs to sustain its existence

Divinity sustains itself with Divinity

The intelligence of the Earth is Divine

Divinity needs only itself to exist. 

We are all Divine Intelligence

Can you imagine

If you stepped into your Divine Will,

The only thing you would need was your own existence

Found in the expression of a tomato, a worm, the apple tree and your neighbor

All sustaining the one Divinity

She Slipped Like Water

poem

She slips through my fingers

Like water

I just wanted to experience her giggles 

Floating like soap bubbles 

Popping with glee

Her hair 

A mesh of both wetness and dryness

Absorbing my attention

Black luminous strands that captured the moon

She smells of salt 

And sea grass

A hint of ocean fresh fabric softener

She refuses containment

Kicking with sandy feet at the oceans edge

Back into the ocean

I had to let her go

One Abortion Story

essay

Abortion is considered morally wrong in Pakistan. Yet, Mehnaz was to be married at thirteen and became pregnant five times by the age of nineteen (Hadid, 2018, np). The fifth pregnancy brought fear, fear that the child will be a girl, “so she did what millions of Pakistani women do every year”; abort the pregnancy (Hadid, 2018, np). If a society, a religion, is so against abortion, and the government deems it illegal to abort, then societies need virtue ethics to support a woman’s body.

It seems contradictory that Mehnaz had three abortions because her husband will not wear condoms, for it is against his religion (Hadid, 2018, np). Does the man think the abortion has nothing to do with him nor the gender of the child? Mehnaz is afraid to have a girl because they consider girls to be economically draining to the family (Hadid, 2018, np). She already had four daughters, and her husband threatened to kick her out of the house if she had another (Hadid, 2018, np). Mehnaz was thirteen when she married, she cannot read nor write, and was ignorant about sex when she married (Hadid, 2018, np). It was not until social workers visited her house that she became aware of contraceptives (Hadid, 2018, np). However, they did not work. The birth control pill made her dizzy, and she became pregnant after a birth control injection (Hadid, 2018, np). What is a woman to do when she has no power over her own body? Maybe abortion would not be an option if the best consequences would support the moral rule; no abortion (May & Delston, 2016, p. 30).

If abortion is morally wrong, then the right action needs to be taken for the woman to achieve success in not aborting. Here, between a wife and a husband, the right actions could be in an” accordance with the correct moral rule” the moral rule would be no abortion (May & Delston, 2016, p. 30). A society embedded in beliefs cannot maintain a moral rule of no abortion when the female’s body is believed to be owned by the man but the woman’s responsibility. The ownership versus responsibility seems absolutely insane and imperialistic. The patriarchal society should support a woman rather than hold expectations like, “do not have an abortion and do not have a girl.” The men in the society lack responsibility towards their own moral belief and need the right action so abortion is not an issue. 

Mehnaz is just one story that encompasses abortion; there are many other scenarios. Abortion is very complicated, and one shoe does not fit all. However, until women merge into their goddess essence, abortion will be an issue; for a woman to step into her goddess essence than the man would step into his god essence. Together, they would allow no one to desecrate her body, nor would she choose to desecrate her body.

References

Hadid, D (2018. November 8). Why The “Abortion Rate In Pakistan Is One Of The World’s Highest.” Retrieved from https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2018/11/28/661763318/why-the-abortion-rate-in-pakistan-is-one-of-the-worlds-highest

May, L & Delston, B, J. (2016). Applied Ethics: A Multicultural Approach Sixth Edition. New York NY; Routledge.